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@bitchlessbillie

life update

I feel as though i might be too apologetic, and dont have confidence in the things i say, and i think thats something i have to work on.

I mean if im not confident about it, why am i saying it, right?

As Jeff Winger from Community said "be sorry before you do it, and then dont do it!"

I did notice after posting them that my posts tend to be a bit formulaic, and i assume thats predictable and therefore boring.

Predictability can also be comforting, but thats not reaaaally exactly what im going for.

But i guess i dont really know exactly what i am going for...

Here are things to note about my week:

- Ive decided to start eating less animal products.I already didnt eat meat, but i think i should also cut back on the biproducts, especially from unethical sources.

- i had an argument with someone on reddit and i feel like i couldve been nicer, but they were pissing me off.

They made one argument that basically other people had it worse so i should be grateful, but i fucking hate that idea.

Like "oh youve got cateracts? Well some people were born def and blind and therefore youre problem doesnt matter."

Like bruh, what the fuck does their situation have to do with mine???

Toxic positivity is my favorite kind of abreciousness.

- this bitch i used to be friends with texted me out of no where like as soon as i stopped thinking about him and all the embarressing shit i did around him, and now thats all coming back up which is nice.

Im not mad at him, i shouldnt call him names. He probably doesnt know i feel that way and was as worried to text me as i was to text him this whole time.

Plus hes one of the best people ive ever met.

- i accidentally said "if we hang out again" to one of my friends, and now im worried, because that could mean so many things...

Like i initiated the last time we hung out and we usually alternate, but now what if since i said that shes waiting for me to initiate it because she thinks i dont want to or cant or something anymore?

And i would initiate it, if i werent worried she hasnt initiated it because she took that as an out and she doesnt wanna hang out anymore, but if i ask she'll feel like she has to say yes and do it out of pity or something?

- my orchids bigger leaves are turning brown but two new smaller ones are growing in, and im wondering if thats normal, but instead of looking it up im just gonna see how it goes i guess.

- i made a drawing of two huge hands holding two small ropes and two sillohettes of people.

One person, my sister, is climbing the rope, and the other, me, is letting go and flipping the hands off, because god can suck my dick, and id rather fall into the darkness below, than climb higher towards a false sense of security just to fall from a greater height.

But my sister is still brave as shit for climbing higher.

Or stupid.

Im tempted to call it stupidity, but i try to not call attempts to feel safer dumb.

Im almost certain its kind of instincual.

- cap'n crunch has 45 percent of your daily recommended iron dosage per serving.

- i got back on my antidepressant, which still concerns me in some ways, but i also feel a little less shitty, so who cares i guess ๐Ÿคท

-Im really worried someone i know is gonna find these and recognize me.

-Im wondering, does anyone have any requests for topics i should post about?

I tend to start just writing and seeing where that goes, but that often leads me to like six different topics with no real opportunities for interaction and i do like the idea of building some sort of community here, if thats not too out of sight of a goal...

I dont fucking know, just lmk.

Dont act on your curiousity if youre wondering whether or not you can breathe underwater, unless youre ready to deal with the consequences.

- Billie and friends

so in shameless, this is lip, ian, micky, and mandys relationship

Brother of brother is with brother of sister whos with brother of brother of brother

Right?

people seem to think having mental illness means not having other problems too

Oh. my fucking god!!!

Why the hell does no one take your problens seriously as soon as youre diagnosed with something?!

Like its like as soon as youre stressed out because everything does suck (not just because you feel like it does) its all "did you take your meds today?" "When is your next therapy session?"

Iike yeah, it can make things feel worse than they are sometimes, and it can create its own problems, but that doesnt mean you cant still have problems that arent solely in your fucking head?!!

Like, to quote several bands, "just because im paranoid doesnt mean everybodys not out to get me"

Like what the hell is this shit, "the depressed boy who cried sadness, and then his mom left but him being sad is only due to his depression and not at all to the fact that his mom left?"

Like i can still have issues that need to be fixed before i feel better about them whether im medicated or not.

And then im just getting absolutely zero help, and people who are mad at me for asking for help and then "nitpicking" their solutions, when all their solutions are is "your genetics and upbringing sucked and thats all your fault"

And dont even get me started on the way people offer advice that youve clearly explained would cause more problems than theyd solve, and then theyre all like "so whyd you even ask for my help if you were gonna shoot down all my solutions?"

Maybe because i didnt except all of your sollutions to be this fucking useless? Maybe because i expected you to listen to the criteria i mentioned and then not only make suggestions that didnt meet them?

But point is, its never the environment that needs fixing, its me.

It cant be that im not getting what i need from the people who are supposed to support me, its that im fucking crazy.

And ive heard stories from people with bipolar as well as physical medical issues, but their doctors boil down all their issues to them being bipolar, and not someone with a body that breaks sometimes.

Like "your arm is bent the wrong way? Heres a referral to a therapist who can help with that."

What the fuck is so hard to understand about this shit????

Artists and physisysts who have nothing better to do unite! ๐Ÿฆธโ€โ™‚๏ธ

im trying to draw a thing from the perspective of a four dimensional being

(or five if you count space time or whatever the hell, i dont know why theyre one thing, is it because time only exists because of the change caused by our position in the universe? Im just guessing i dont know anything about physics, this is just my best guess because i need to have a logical reason for everything but im too lazy to look things up.)

Who can only see in three dimensions, much like how we as three dimensional creatures, can only really see in two, and i dont know how the fuck to do that because, well... i only see in two dimensions.

Ive also run into the problem that, if you had three dimensional vision, youd see through things, right? So it doesnt end in your own home, youd be able to see like as far as the eye can see into other peoples houses, and underground and stuff, which brings me to yet another issue...

Shadows!

Because the inside of things would be all dark and somehow id have to make it see throughable?

Guys i dont fucking know.

I need answers ๐Ÿ˜ซ๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ˜ง๐Ÿฅน๐Ÿซณ๐Ÿซ (this emoji sequence is supposed to resemble a starving person dragging themself to a melty candy bar they found on the ground)

Trees II - McCafferty

"I need you more than you need me" just hit too hard, a lot like how in smokey eyes by lincoln he says "theres nothing worse than making friends". Those two lyrics perfecrly describe how im feeking about all my friends right now. Holy fuck it is exhausting trying to maintain relationships when i can barely maintain my sleep schedule. I almost started crying when i was telling my therapist about it, which was embaressing as hell. I dont care if shes a professional feelings net, if you see my cry, im gonna have the urge to kill you. But its actually so fucking painful knowing my friends would probably ditch me if their partner of enough months asked them to. Like... People just put too much stock into romantic relationships, even though its the platonic ones that are there to help you clean up when those become an entire mess. But, and this is obviously my fault, i dont have a lot of friends of my own. I can only have like two at a time. I have two right now and im really really hoping i dont lose these particular two, so unless i do, im not getting any others. The thing is, they always have more, so on their list, id be like number 10 if their immediate family were first, and then their top five friends were next, and thats assuming im like their third best. I mean not that i resent them cause they might care more about their families than me, just that My friends are kinda my two favorite people. I hate that. I love them, but i hate that i need them more. Its not really fair to them either. I mean i dont expect anything from them, but i feel like it has to feel bad making your friends feel bad even if its not your fault? And its not, and i dont want them to... I dont know if im making any sense, but point is... Theres nothing worse than making friends... i always need them more than they need me. So... Anyway, on an unrelated note, ive been off my antidepressants for like a week now, and i wanna drown. But i dont have any caveties according to my dentist. The hygenist was cute as hell, she had glasses and eyebrows and stuff, and i liked her jaw. She was really sweet too. I like my teeth. Thats what im gonna pour all my self confidence into this week. And i dont mean cause of the way they look, they just used to look goofy as hell cause they had a gap, and everyone made fun of it. My sister once said they were "social distancing" but they corrected themselves, and she had to get brases for her crooked ass teeth, so, i won, fuck her๐Ÿ–•๐Ÿ–• Plus, despite being awful at brushing my teeth everyday, consuming way too much sugar, and only brushing them so aggressively they hurt (which is why i barely brush them) because otherwise they dont feel clean which is only find if its intentional, ive never had a cavety. I dont know how to spell that word but i wont be looking it up right now... One thing to keep me humble if i get too cocky about the teeth thing: im a shit speller, so... balance i guess ๐Ÿคท Anyway, sorry for once again, titling one of my posts something intruiging like a song title, and then only talking about myself and how sad i am, which you guys dont care about. Ill try to post more interesting content when i figure out how to phrase my thoughts on natural selection in a way that doesnt make it sound like i agree with eugenics. Believe me guys, when im off my meds is when i spiral the hardest, so that should be... something. If dont decide to water it down as to not sound slightly psychotic. I was gonna sign off a certain way but i dont remember how, so... uh... i dunno, by guys -Billie

Ps, im gonna tag this new music even though i dont know if that means what it sounds like or not, or if these references apply, but only because lincoln, who sings "smokey eyes" (theres nothing worse than making friends), has another song called new music, so... yeah, ignore that

Thursday:

unpopular opinion of the week:

  • I feel like common sense doesnt make a lot of sense, or rather, doesnt necessarily have to, because like... i feel like common sense would be that your favorite color is based on visual appeal, but i think it makes more sense that ones favorite anything is based on emotional resonence and not a choice in terms of which one you like more quantity-wise, if that makes sense?

Song of the day:

  • Sex and candy - marcy playground

Good deed of the day:

  • I did the dishes
  • I made my family dinner

Something im proud of today:

  • Cats seem to like me

Acts of self care:

  • Ive been steadily drinking water instead of not drinking any or drinking liek three bottles in like two minutes
  • I did my laundry
  • I brushed my hair

Downfalls:

  • I didnt eat until 3 pm
  • I didnt read anymore of my book
  • I didnt brush my teeth
  • I didnt tell my friend who apologized for being a bitch recently, that i wasnt mad at her, even though im not, just to let her overthink our relationship for a little while like ive been doing this whole time

So what was your thursday like?

-Bill

So, someone on reddit, god bless them, gave me actual feedback about my blogs, that actually helps me, and im really grateful for that.

They kinda asked me a question that i dont know the answer to and that is "why am i doing this?" To answer that question, this started out as me trying to find a way to make easy pocket change, but i didnt end up following through on monetizing it.

Like if that was even an option anyway.

I still had fun though, so i kept doing it.

Three examples that person gave was "improving my writing", "a journaling excersize", or "making comedic rants".

All of those and the possibility of gaining a like minded audience who can relate to, and maybe gain something from, the things i say, i think. And just something to do.

I realize i dont make the things i write all that readable, i tend to write them the way i think them, so it comes out a bit messy, but ill work on it.

However i wont edit the things ive already written. I like the idea of being able to see gradual progression.

Currently my favorite post that ive made is probably "little wins"... I think thats the one where i talk about the apocolypse for a brief moment like thats the topic of the post and then start going on about how life isnt all bad even though i felt like shit despite the little things.

I think that one was just the funnest, even if not necessarily something that was relavent or made a lot of sense.

I try to add questions in there just cause i like to know "your guys" thoughts and stuff, but i guess i expected that since this is the internet, if you had opinions youd share them, so i kinda half assed them.

Im for sure gonna post about music more because probably barely any of you have actual taste. Ofc im joking, to each their own, but not about the posting about music more.

I mean my music taste is mostly shit, but ill try to only mention the genuinely good ones, or the things i think deserve more appreciation.

But yeah, currently thats my plan kinda.At least i feel like i mentioned actions i intent to take in the future?

But yeah, let me know if anyone has any other suggestions or anything.

Last thing and ill shut up: I dont believe ive said what gender i am, and i just gotta know, is it kinda obvious anyway? Or do i even just give a certain vibe? Im just wondering, i dont really care, thats not an important characteristic of mine.

Lates ๐Ÿ˜Ž- Billie

short story: wintelnina

There once was a plant named wintelnina (or winnie, as she was often reffered to) after its owner, wendy's, favorite book character.They lived happily in a small apartment together with wendy's boyfriend of two years, Andy.Winnie was quite content for those two years, wendy took good care of her, she did.She watered her every day and extra when it was hot, she pruned it when it needed pruning, she kept the bugs off of it, and she always spoke to it like it was the most beautiful thing in the world.Always.Until one hot summer day when.. she didnt.Winnie of course couldnt see where her owner had gone, but she knew where she was, for she had been telling andy about it all morning.He spoke back in short confirmations of processed like "mhmm" and "i hear you." But wintelnina could hear the flipping of magazine pages coming from where shed normally hear the scraping of forks against plates or the stirring of hot liquids.Wendy scoffed and all wintelnina could hear were footsteps growing quieter and quieter and the same flipping of pages.She hadnt been watered that day. Nor had she been spoken to.The next day however, winnie heard from the front door andy yelling "ill be back later babe" and then the opening and closing of the door.Fast footsteps approached the door from the small hallway and it opened once again.Wendy called out to andy "where are you going?! We were gonna meet my aunt for lunch, i told you a week ago!"Winnie could hear andys faint voice being drowned out by traffic and wind.Wendy sighed heavily and shut the door. She then approached winnie and spoke to it quietly "winnie, my dearest ivy... youre the only one who wouldnt walk away in the middle of my sentence. Thank you, beauty."Winnie felt a little color drain from her vines, but she tried staying hydrated for her dear wendys sake.Weeks later, all she could hear for two days straight was screaming, and stomping and slamming doors. She hear no footsteps toward her, or the faucet, or the cupboard where wendy kept the pesticeds.But two days later all she could hear were soft kisses and loving whispers.Months of these cycles had gone by, each fight seeming to last longer than the one before it.One day she heard six words from andy she hadnt expected, and didnt know how much she dreaded. "I think you should move out" he said.It followed the phrases "i love you" and "this isnt working" which followed a "but".Wintelnina only heard crying all day after that. And then the following weeks she heard phone calls to storage places, and realtors, and the crumple of bubble wrap around fragile objects, and the rustle of them being placed into carboard boxes.Soon she was somewhere new.Brighter.Dryer.Hotter.Quieter.Wendy still visted her from time to time, but she often left in the morning and didnt come back till evening, missing winnies hottest, most dehydrated periods.She heard wendy crying a lot. Winnie imagined her wilting even more than winnie herself was.But not for too long, because soon, winnie wouldnt be able to hear anything, nor could she feel the crunch of her leaves, the dryness of her soil, or the spider building a home around it.Guys, idfk, its like 2 in the morning, im bored, i had an idea, and im too lazy to make it a real book, or even a good short story, so if anyone else liles the concept and has actual followthrough, they should totally make this into a real book and send me a copy.- billie

unpopular opinions

  • octopy should be considered aquatic arachnids.
  • Hotel rooms should come with condoms
  • Hilarious=halarious when you say it outloud, and means funny, but has the ha in the word cause you probably wouldnt use it organically
  • Driving should not be legal, everone should instead get around with small planes or bikes
  • My life isnt worth a hundred bucks, but its not worth anything if i wont at least attempt something dangerous for 100 dollars
  • Safety pins make the best belts
  • I am so fucking halarious

why i dont believe in science

Idgaf what weve "proven", people dont get to tell me what to believe.

Everyone acts like youre an idiot for believing in astrology, and while, yeah, im sure its full of bullshit, their versions arent any better.

I dont, for a second, believe in the shit other earthlings who like just now got to earths moon, tell me about other planets and stars lightyears away.

Like, bitch have you ever been to that planet? No. So then how can you tell me what the gravity's like there? How do you know its made of this element we have on earth just from what it looks like when, for all we know, if you actually get close it could literally be trillions of microscopic little bugs forming that whole planet? It could have entirely different properties and be an entirely different thing we as born and raised earthlings couldnt begin to comprehend.

But we just assume we know, because scientists tell us, when all theyre really telling us is their best guess, which can not be that accurate, because a few thousand years ago, you know what our best guess was? Yeah. Astrology.

And dont even get me started on the fact that scientists and religious leaders are basically the same things.

They make these huge confident claims about shit way huger than them, that theyre so certain they know and have no actual athority to speak on if you think about it.

So suck it. ๐Ÿ–•๐Ÿ–•๐Ÿ–•

Full disclose though, i dont actually know anything about science, or history or religion for that matter, or even really astrology, i just think its fucked up we act like astrologists are the stupid ones.

Botched

i like to pretend people are scared of me... like i intimidate people with just a look or something.

I know when people tell me i scare them theyre joking, but i still brag about it.

I guess i just like to feel like i cant be fucked with, or like people respect me enough to know not to.

Very much not the case though, because if it were they wouldnt keep doing it.

People say hurtful things and then apologize profusely like they think im gonna hurt them, or at least thats how i like to think of it, but i know its actually that they think they hurt me.

I keep thinking about how fucked up i am, but then cringing because when i phrase it that way it makes it sound like i think im traumatized, or edgy or something, when by fucked up i just mean i feel like i wasnt built right.

I finally found a better word.

I was botched.

Im a botched person.

please help this catch on!

abrecious - (adjective) possesses a positive qaulity in a negative way

Eg, "shes so charming, she could get away with anything. What an abrecious bitch."

Or

Possesses a negative trait in a positive way

Eg. "His voice is so annoying, but it weirdly suits him. Hes so abrecious sometimes."

I just really want to be responsible for inventing a word

bored or boring (part 2)

I never made rules for choosing what i like about myself during those times when i kinda feel like shit about myself.I feel like an obvious rule would be it cant be someone else.Like my favorite thing about myself cant be my really good friends.It could be that i attract really cool people but it cant be about them.I dont think it can be about looks. I mean i have like two good features anyway, so that wont be hard to avoid.Ah!!! I have excellent taste in music!!! I mean i think so, but everyone does.Anyway, so i have too many ideas and yet not one is about what to do with them all.I mean lets say i wanted to actually write a movie, which would be sick as hell, but not something i have the faith (but then again, much like self control, faith is something you need to leave your house everyday) to do, how would i even go about that?I dont have a camera or know anybody to act in it, or know how to get that started, or any good way to edit that, or disposable income to buy a camera or something for animating, or the patience.But then again some of these are things i can work on.I dont know.Im most definetely not decisive enough to even settle on a rough draft. Like for real, i tried writing a short story once and i restarted over 11 times because i couldnt decide if i wanted the main character to have a twin or not.I mean, how the fuck do people do this?! Do they really just go "welp, good enough" and then share it with the cruel eyes of the public?On the subject of decisiveness, i dont know what my favorite color is, and i feel like anyone who claims that they do are either lying, thoughtless, or tasteless.Because how the fuck do you just see yellow and youre like "yup, i like that better than aaaallll the other ones!"And like is it supposed to be by visual appeal, or by what you associate it with, or by what it feels like??!!!Like because visually dark red, like blood, or like candy apple red, is absolutely beautiful (but so is orange, especially if its a gradient with yellow)But then blue is like so... like theres a certain color of light blue id associate with a pretty woman in a flowy dress spinning through a field of of tiny yellow flowers on a sunny day, and that makes me really happy.But when i think about anything hard enough i could associate it with something as random and as beautiful as that...I associate pastel yellow with walking down a dark street surrounded by even darker alleys in total silence. And i fucking love it.And by the way, how do you decide that candy apple red is more appealing than sage green?! They look cool as hell together! (I think, im just kind of imagining it, but like a creamy sage green neclace with a red dress? I would fucking dicinigrate if someone wearing that even made eye contact with me)And it doesnt help that people dont specify shade, because what the fuck do you mean "red" is your favorite color?! Bitch some shades of pink are red! Red can mean a million different fucking things, and you seriously like aaaaalll of them more than the best shade of blue? How? Explain.Back to the thing about writing movies, i think producing would have to be the best part.Producing is basically the process of making it more cinnematic right? Like adding the dramatic music, and putting the scenes together, right?That would be sick ass job.I dunno.What do you guys do to make your lives more interesting?In my mind im sitting upside down in a chair with my hair touching the floor and the dog staring back at me right side up, and im laughing because the blood is rushing to my head, and im so bored thats entertaining.So...Please give me ideas.I clearly need them.And also, while youre at it, whats your favorite color, and why?Bye guys.Ill be overthinking every small human interaction i have and pushing people away in the process and yet still lacking the self awareness to keep wondering why im...Still bitchless, bill.๐Ÿซก

bored or boring (part 1)

Fuuuuuck, holy fucking shit you guys my life is not cool enough!!!!I do nothing!I do nothing and i dont know what to do about it!Ive always wanted to be a main character but that movie would have such horrible reviews.Holy shit.I dont know what to do because how the hell do i make my life more cinematic when i cant cut out the boring parts and i never do anything dramatic enough to feel like fiction?!This kind of ties back to that thing about how i need to take a risk...On top of that i need more follow through.I wish my life could have a soundtrack, and ive made plenty, but unfortunately thats not the same thing.I dont want to be watched, i just want to be watchable.I saw this guy i cant decide how to feel about on spotlight (tik tok is too slow and ruins music, and i made the mistake of following too many cat accounts on instagram so now thats all i see on reels) and he said he tells his kids when they say theyre bored "then youre being boring." Or something, which just seems so true.God i feel kinda like Tom from The Glass Managerie, except im not a man in my early 20s who works at a shoe factory supporting my family in the early 30s (i think thats when that was set?).But like he said... im fucking boiling inside. He didnt say fucking, i said that, but he said the rest.Idk.Can anyone relate?God, "restlessness" (as toms mother put it) is one of those things... i dont know where i was going with that.Probably something about how life is too short and we involuntarily waste a lot of it but if we were a less civalized species wouldnt our livez be wasted on survival anyway?I dont fucking know.Cause this shit is just so unfulflilling.I wanna do something, or more specifically, make something cool.Like i wanna write one of those movies that makes everyone feel like shit because thats not how they came of age.I need something to like about myself right now.All i can think of is my humor, but i use that every time. Im not THAT funny.Oh but i guess i did something pretty cool yesterday that I get to brag about for at least a few days, so... thats something i guess.

smokey eyes, lincoln

So, im not really sure what to post about, usually i just start by writing smth and the rest just happens bc its where my mind goes.I questioned my friendship with my best friend again, and im awaiting an argument with my other because either its just a natural step to becoming closer friends, or its how our relationship will end. Either way, im waiting.I had a dream last night where me and my cousin had a conversation about video games and i earned his respect but then i immediately lost it by accidentally breaking one of his video games.My plants are doing really fucking well, but im concerned bc i need to thin them out asap but i dont want them to die if the last frost hasnt passedAlso i dont know how to take care of plants tbh.I dont want to be here...Im so tired, but i know im fine, im just drained bc ive been socializing and then also arguing with my bsf, and my other sorta half friend was being nosy, and caffiene just isnt working.Also ive trying to be productive, and giving myself less excuses not to be.Funny cause i feel like i havent gotten shit done.Idk... ive been having a bit of a creative block.I dont want to go to therapy, and im dreading it more than i need to bc its sunday now, and therapy is on tuesday, so...What do you do when youre pretty sure youre in love woth someone, and youre pretty sure theyre not into but cant be sure bc you are to them what your ex who was your friend at one point was to you and i liked her back, but i wouldve never told her that, if she hadnt confessed first?Idk man, feelings are hard.So is having multiple friends at the same time. Coordinating shit is so exhausting.Especially when they dont like each other, and one of them has other friends who she most definetely prioritzes over you, but makes excuses instead of telling you bc if you leave shell need a new plan b, but youre not sure if you can leave bc you dont have proof of that and youre not just an icky blen of insecure and paranoid.Idk, can anyone else relate?Ive come to the realization that i have a type, which i kinda dont like.But at least its a good type. At least the things they all had in common is being extremely nice and smart and gets my sense of humor, and is willing to have a serious conversation.But the thing is i always seem to click with them immediately and then we never fight until we do and its usually the last fight we ever have.Anyway its like 3 pm but im gonna sleep now, sorry for just venting instead of saying anything youd care to hear.See ya, maybe, probably, but not literally.- Billie

six strings and a pick (part 2)

I guess i kinda want an electric guitar, but i dont have money, and also dont need that really.I deleted my tuning app and lost my manual tuner thingy (#irresponsible) so im not even sure if its tuned right and would actually sound that good when it was, but i put together a chord progression type thing, and i think it sounded pretty cool, and kinda emotional and stuff. I wont be posting it cause im gonna need that for when im famous.Anyway, i think em is my favorite chord, but tbh i cant really remember if em is the one with two fingers or three, i know the other one is regular e but i just get mixed up.Anyway, ive had like four cups of coffee today and sweat just dripped from the pit of my extended arm directly onto my hip, so thats kinda nice. Im cool now. Temperature regulated.Anyway, i know ive started the last three paragraphs with "anyway" but im not sure what else to talk about regaurding the guitar right now? I play it. I like it. Its fun, currently my nails are too long to press down on the frets or hammer strum properly, and im proud of myself for learning barre chords but that was months ago and i havent progressed much since then, so gotta find something new to like about myself for the week, and im thinking it should definetely be my absolute peak sense of humor.Has anyone ever watched right know kapow? Totally underated show. Its a disney xd show but its not on disney plus and no body even fucking knows what it is, like guys... get your head in the game.That show... was peak humor. The one bit with the moon guy playing the mummy was awesome, the gravy bit starring the palm tree was great, that show was just... amazing.Earlier i made a joke in my head, it was such a good joke, but it mightve only been funny to me.I was making a pot of coffee and also doing something on my phone at the same time and when i rinced the coffee pot out and it got heavy i swirled it around and dumped it out, as i always do, and then i was like "we should probably be paying attention. We know what happens when we dont." And it was funny to me because i had about a thousand flashbacks and they were all really dumb, and that was funny, the stupidity and simplicity of that joke made me laugh.But then again a lot of things that dont make sense to other people make me laugh. Like they dont have to be funny, they just have to massage my brain... or... make it feel like its being crumpled into a ball like a piece of tinfoil, those things make me laugh too, but that usually becomes crying after like 30 seconds.Idk, i kinda crack myself up to be honest. what are some dumb ass things you guys laugh at that other people dont get?I dont feel like signing off so im gonna kinda half ass it - billie :D

six strings and a pick (part 1)

Sooo, a while back i started learning guitar. I may only know like 15 basic chords and like three barre chords, and dont remember any if the songs ive learned, but does it really matter?I mean, the only reason i still use my guitar is to make loud noise at this point and i can do that whether it sounds good or not.I mean i do.A lot.Its basically a fidgit toy at this point. But then again its also my unatainable life goal to be in a garage band. The problem with that is i dont like people, public performance, or own decent instruments except for the acoustic guitar i bought in fourth grade after saving up for like a year. My rich grandpa gave us each like 100 bucks every christmas, plus my grandma, grandpa, dad, mom, and maybe my aunt but i cant remember, each gave me between 10 and 20 dollars for my birthday a few months later, and i scammed the fuck out of my siblings by buying snacks with the ebt card and selling them back so they didnt have to walk to the store, so it wasnt hard to do.Being spoiled as fuck as a kid aside, i still will probably never be in a cool band.Which is fine, ive known since i was like eight that that was unrealistic, so ive made other goals, most of which fell through and stopped seeming enjoyable anyway when i burnt out by like 7th grade but that isnt the point.Although, before we move on from that, i do wanna say, i hate... more than just about anything... the way people treat "intelligence." Which is so, so useless the way people define it.Like i know every parent did this to their kid, probably especially to the youngest kids based on what i know (which isnt much) about family dynamics, but my mom acted like i was soooo fucking smart, so i tried sooo hard because i didnt wanna let her down! I got straight A's till the end of seventh grade when my social anxiety started to override my perfectionism. I took like two fucking hours too long on every state test cause i needed to get a higher score than last time or i would feel like a failure for the next nine months.And that wasnt even intelligence, im pretty sure it was just me working hard that made me do well. And i would tell people "dont encourage me, im driven by proving my point not making you proud." But people dont listen. I mightve been wrong, but i still think if i had someone to prove wrong my engine would be running for a lot longer, cause theres nothing worse than being underestimated.Except for maybe being overestimated. Cause i know i can never meet the image of me certain people have in their mind so i keep dissapointing them over and over and over again, and somehow knowing that doesnt help anymore.Like i dunno, i feel like my life is going downhill, but i cant really care enough because well... what most people in my life describe as intelligence. The knoweledge that im probably gonna or at least could, or at least could if i wanted to, die before any of this even matters.I dunno man. Im just saying, inteligence, even in its best forms, is just a tool. Not a miracle.And in its more common forms, im pretty sure its just a recipe for anxiety mellowed out a tad by depression and drug addiction.But in any case, we were talking about guitar. Not my crushed dreams.

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